Lately, I have been examining and trying to make sense of my personal characteristics when it comes to how I interact with people and in particular, men and relationships. 

I feel like over the course of adolesence I somehow unknowingly transformed my care free, outgoing personality into someone overcome with anxiety and timidness especially in the social aspect. While most people would not label as a shy person based on appearance or even first impressions, I seem to have this fear and anxiety not only in class but in many other social and romantic settings as well. It is odd because I remember myself as a kid and a young teen, and I was always the biggest flirt and the biggest talker (to everyone). Somewhere along the way, I lost this sense of self and switched to someone who is uncomfortable being "theirself" in front of certain people or in certain circumstantial situations. 

Recently, I have been looking back at previous relationships that I have had over the years and have been analyzing the way in which I was treated, how I treated the partner, and how and why things ended. It seems that for whatever reason, my communication skills are quite poor. I think that, out of fear of appearing too clingy or too needy, I have subconsciously created this persona whom is completely in control of her emotions and of her life in order to prevent myself from getting hurt or getting my hopes up. I have literally become this non human robot with no feelings, or at least that is the facade that I exhibit in relationships. I am not talking about the whole playing hard to get charade because this game that I am essentially playing with myself, goes far more above and beyond than that one. 

When there have been problems or upsetting situations, comments, etc. in the past, I have just pretended not to care as if I was super human and that nothing could really bother me. When in fact, this is the opposite because, it really does bother me and it virtually takes over my whole thought process making me this overly paranoid and repressed person who is artifitially unable to be harmed by anyone. 

Because of this immense amount of repressed anger, sadness, loneliness, etc. I feel as though I have become overwhelmed by them and instead of them being my merely my feelings and thoughts they have become kind of who I am and how I behave as a person altogether. 

I have just recently discovered this about myself and am finding this features almost impossible to correct. Letting one's self be vulnerable is frightening I assume, for many people. But for me, I have literally become somewhat emotionally and in turn, physically paralyzed by these abnormal views and irrational fear when it comes to relationships. In the end, my whole independent woman front never prevents me from getting hurt. In fact, I feel like it hurts me even more because I can not look back and think about how I did everything I could have possibly done to show the person who I am or to solve/clear up any miscommunications. Instead, I am stuck with the burden of trying to figure when and where I should have spoken up or I should have said how I felt about something, good or bad. 

I am finding that, though I rationalize my actions in my head before falling through with them, I am unable to complete these transactions because I am so afraid of becoming vulnerable or of letting someone know that I care about them. 

For example, the other night, I was endlessly contemplating stroking someone's face the other night when we were watching a movie. It seemed like the perfect time to do so and was certainly appropriate for the setting. However, the more and more I thought about doing this and his potential reactions, the more apprehensive I became about fucking moving my hand. It felt like, I was trying to move my arm but I physically could not do it. It was the most bizarre thing ever.

While I do think that in the beginning of many realtionships it is benefitial to censor your exact feelings and try not go overboard on excessive amounts of affection, this is getting ridiculous and sending signals that say "I just don't really care about you that much." 

I don't know what I am so frightened of. I mean, I am indeed, going to get hurt again and probably many more times in romantic partnerships. It's just kind of a fact of life. But also, you only live once. What is the point of not saying how I really feel or reacting to body's impulses when I love someone? 

Either way, I am probably going to get hurt. 

I am fully aware of this paralyzing and irrational condition and yet, though I am desperate to fix it before it's too late, I am honestly unsure of how to go about doing so. 

In the current romantic situation that I am in now, I feel like, if I am going to be in a relationship with this specific person, than there is really no room for holding back my feelings or showing him how I feel. 

I made this mistake before and I am once again, slowly watching myself let it it deteriorate. 

This of course, is not what I want by any means and it is becoming torturous to watch myself unwillingly view myself destroying something so beautiful out of fear and worries. 

I don't know, I don't really know what to do. So if anyone has any advice or any similar situations let me know. Anything would be helpful!

Well, I think I may know how to, in the perfect fantasy world envisioned in my mind but, I can never carry out these emotions to actual reality. 

I figure, if I am going to fall in love, I may as well not be the only one aware of it just letting my thoughts decay and rot inside my torn mind. 

I just am not sure of the specific actions that I need to take when attempting to put my emotions on display. 

I kind of feel like Holly Golightly minus the glamorous lifestyle. 

I have been reading a lot of Ezra Pound's early work in an anthology consisting of such pieces. He is kind of a new favorite of mine which, makes sense as T.S. Eliot is one of my favorite modern writers and poets and the two of them were friends and Pound kind of served as a mentor to Eliot. 

Liu Ch'e

The rustling of the silk is discontinued,

Dust drifts over the court-yard,

There is no sound of foot-fall, and the leaves

Scurry into heaps and lie still,

And she the rejoicer of the heart is beneath them:

A wet leaf clings to the threshold.

-Ezra Pound

An Immortality

Sing we for love and idleness

Naught else is worth the having

Though I have been in many a land,

there is naught else in living.

And I would rather have my sweet,

though rose-leaves die of grieving,

Than do high deeds in Hungary

To pass all man's believing.

-Ezra Pound

In other literary notes, I have also been reading some notebooks composed by existential writer, Albert Camus...

"Beauty is unbearable, drives us to despair, offering us for a minute the glimpse of eternity that we should like to stretch out over the whole of time."

"Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question."

"Every act of rebellion expresses a nostalgia for innocence and an appeal to the essence of being."

"Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear."

Prada's S/S 2010 Lookbook

Well, I know I am not the first blogger to do a post on Prada's new Spring Summer lookbook but, I am honestly shocked at how creative and inspiring it is not only for Prada as a designer but, for any lookbook in general. Usually, lookbooks are very basic in background, composition, and they lack any kind of creative theme and use very subtle make up and hair in order to accurately display the clothing in a less dramatic and theatrical way than the runway show assumably did. 

I love everything about this look book to the mystical and kind of abstract background to the adorable hair and sexy makeup.

This is one of the best look book (if not the best) that I have ever seen.

There new campaign is also worth checking out and is equally as innovative and different than anything they have ever done creatively. 

The Best of S/S 2010 Couture Collections in Paris:

Givenchy

Chanel

What amazes me about Chanel is not the overall creative designs and feminine and somehow quirky yet, ladylike overall look rather, how Karl Lagerfeld seemlessly manaages to encorporate Chanel's iconic and timeless aesthetic while somehow, always encorporating new trends creating this avant guarde and downright girlie line wearable and appealing to women of all ages and of all fashion preferences. 

He always includes the legendary basics like tweed suits and girlie silk dresses while always featuring some current trendy item, accessory, color, etc. to make the collection modern and thus, establishing a lasting, timeless look out of these declared new pieces and trends. I cannot really think of another designer of the top of my head with this precise ability and talent. 

Photography: Petra Collins and Lara -Lynn Petrick

Their photography really grew on me. I first viewed their blog a few months ago and while the photos were interesting and provacative, I shrugged off their talent because really taken at face value, their photography's aesthetic seemed nothing more to me than that of the heroin chic, American Apparel/ Vice Magazine-esque hipster art portraying excessive lust, partying, drug use, and using a very minimal and unadultered approach to lighting, setting, styling etc. But, I too, have become equally as fascinated with the sexy, druggy , dirtiness expressed by their rebellious adolescent models. Their photos really are rad.

There is something to be said about these sort of raunchy, almost sexually frustrated photos and I now, find them really incredible, alluring, and addicting. 

Check out their awesome blog to view the complete collection of series. 

P.S. Welcome February!